Sleep Update

So, this week I added a new diagnosis (well 4 actually) to my growing list of you're-too-young-to-have-that and/or seems-odd-but-true. Not that it's a new thing - I've probably had it since I was a kid - and in theory if I can tolerate the "treatment" I'll have quite a different life than I've ever had.

So, apparently I have what my sleep doc said was a disorder primarily found in short, overweight, middle-aged men. Sleep apnea. Well, I don't completely stop breathing - I have hypopneas - I breathe so shallow at night I don't get enough oxygen and wake up - on average 28 times an hour. I also have that whole limb movement thing 30 times an hour as well - but he says that should improve if we address the apnea. And delayed sleep something or other. And somnol-something. He thinks it's all genetic for me - probably something wrong with the structure of my nose. So, any of your Hutchesons out there who have issues with sleep, you might want to look into this. Or maybe you won't. Keep reading to find out.

I went back last night to do another somewhat hilarious but kind of stressful sleep study, this time to determine what "pressure" my soon to be new blankie should be set at so it blows air into my nose all night and makes me breathe appropriately. If you've never done one of these things, here's a glimpse. You get to the hospital around 7ish, they put a hospital bracelet on you. Whhyyy?? It's not like they're going to mistake you (on the sleep disorder wing) for someone who needs a liver transplant or that you're going to wander - they watch you on video all night... Anyhoo. Then you go change into your pj's and they start gluing wires all over your body - but primarily on your head. I imagine there's a method to the madness but it sure seems random and meant to ensure you will be shampooing glue out of your hair for at least a month afterwards. Perhaps they get some kind of Suave bonus for every wire they manage to glue on a patient's head. Anyway - so you have about 7 on your head, 3 on your face, two on your torso, two on each leg, as well as these belts they put around your chest and belly to measure your breathing. You sit around for a couple of hours "getting used to" this existence to in theory help going to sleep. So you flip through cable shows and then it's time to sleep. Right. They then tape an oxygen thing to your finger and at the first visit put a nasal canula thing in your nose to measure your breathing - and because this sort of scratches and sort of tickles in your nose, they tape it down on your cheeks. Last night they at first tried to get me to sleep with a nose mask - which essentially is a big cylinder thing they put at your nostrils (which is hooked up to a humidifier thing of sorts using a rather thick air tube) and you have to breathe through it, making sure to not open your mouth, talk, etc because if you do, the air shoots through your nose and out of your mouth, essentially suffocating you. Given I sleep with my mouth open and always have and frankly am not sure I could stop at this point in my life even if I tried - I found out how this whole suffocating things feels. Not like you can't just pull it off or anything - you do have OPTIONS. And I told the tech this was the case and she told me to just try it - that many people find they adjust. Buck up, basically. Anyway - so just for good measure they find a nurse somewhere in the hospital to come give you an ambien... she stands there and watches you swallow it - like you're in a psych hospital and they think you're going to cheek your meds. I digress. So, after 20 minutes of trying to fall asleep without killing myself by opening my mouth and increasingly getting more panicky- I gave up and told the tech (who wasn't real nice) that it wasn't going to work - so then she came in with the big mask. The big cahuna. (ignore my spelling) The kind of mask they use during anesthesia. At least according to the movies. So they cover basically your face with it and strap it around your head, then hook all the wires up to some machines on the wall and tell you to sleep well and press the button if you need anything.

Right.

Well, the ambien must have kicked in at some point because I did manage to fall asleep and sleep 6 hours or something. Which frankly is what my norm is and what the sleep doc said is probably what I need. But the tech told me to go back to sleep - "try for just one more hour" - which is probably the worst thing you can tell an insomniac to do - then they stress about not being able to fall asleep and wake up even more. So anyhoo. Finally I passed the hour mark and she took everything off and I took a 45 minute shower trying to get all the glue out of my hair and the rest of the day picking glue and gauze off of my skin. Perhaps Suave could develop a glue remover and get even more out of this whole deal. I'm sure they'd bill 45 bucks a pop to give it to us.

So, I think ultimately I got used to it somewhat. Who knows. I go back on Monday to get fitted with my very own CPAP machine. I can't even fathom using it every night for the rest of my life, but I guess it's worth a shot. I dunno.